Ten years ago my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. For Christmas that year, my dad bought my mom a beautiful diamond anniversary ring. It was an eye-popper and dad was all but bursting with pride to surprise her with it on Christmas day.
She never saw it.
Only three weeks before Christmas, a biopsy revealed a malignancy. My active, healthy mother had no prior serious illness, but stomach pains on Thanksgiving Day were severe enough to take her to the hospital where doctors discovered an abnormality in her stomach and ordered the biopsy.
This news hit our family hard, but Mom was a fighter and she determined to put up a good one. The recommendation was surgery followed by chemotherapy. Surgery was scheduled exactly a week before Christmas.
The boys and I already had our plane tickets to spend Christmas with Mom and Dad in Orlando. We were to leave on Friday, December 22. Monday, the day of surgery arrived and with it the revelation that there was little doctors could do except offer a rigorous course of chemotherapy. We were completely blind-sided by this news but supportive, positive and full of hope.
We changed our plane tickets and arrived in Florida on Wednesday. We held onto hope and the belief that Mom would be strong enough to come home for Christmas. After all, there were gifts to unwrap and a new brilliantly lit tree she had helped decorate; her beloved boxer Sadie was patiently waiting for her to return; and my Mom’s sister, Roberta, was scheduled to arrive from California the day after Christmas. No thought existed that she would never see these things again.
We spent nearly all waking hours at the hospital. When it became clear that she was too weak to leave the hospital, we rallied to be there around the clock from Christmas Eve morning through all of Christmas day, taking turns throughout the night. All the gifts would be brought to the hospital Christmas morning and opened there, including the ring.
The hospital called at one o’clock Christmas morning for my brother and I to come and join our father in saying goodbye to our mother.
This was a Christmas full of hills and valleys. Time existed in minute increments of moving from one moment to the next, one thought to the next, but as a family together, we endured. Life, as we knew it, had changed forever, adding a memory to Christmas that for ten years now has invited remembrance, reflection and in some ways, renewal.
Ten years ago, on Christmas day, my children woke up to one of the saddest days of their lives. Twice, I’ve had to deliver hard news to them—when their father left and when their grandmother died. No parent ever wants to break their childrens’ hearts, but certain things we just can’t control. Helping them learn to accommodate the things in their lives that we can’t fix just gives them a few more feathers to steady their wings when they prepare to take flight.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The Video Project: Part Two
Corey was back home the weekend after Thanksgiving to film the reassigned project for his video class. The professor decided to pair students together to create a video portrait of each other. Actual footage of the person could not be used and the video had to be no longer than a minute. Corey called me from school prior to coming home and said “I need an ax and a Bible—and a piece of wood that I can chop on.” I’m thinking, “This doesn’t sound good.” He said he would explain when he got home.
When I look back on my college years, I think of them as being pretty non-descript. University of Maryland was affordable and only five miles from our house so my choice of a college was pretty narrow. I also had to pay for my college education. I didn’t have enough money to live on campus and because we lived so close, it really didn’t make sense. So, I was a commuter student.
In order to pay for college and my car, I worked part-time in the evenings and on weekends. At the time, I did what I had to do, but I think I missed a lot by not living on campus. School was almost like having another job. Show up daily, work, then leave. As far as being busy academically, my life wasn’t too different from most college kids. But it is hard to become part of the social community when you are not fully immersed. Living at home did have some perks. Besides saving money, I had delicious home-cooked meals every day and my laundry seemed to get magically washed and dried. But I think being “on my own” during those years would have been a real confidence booster and better preparation for the real world.
I’m glad my kids had the opportunity to live on campus. But then, they both attended colleges that were far enough away where they had to. And even though they both have had to pay their way, it’s been manageable with savings, scholarships, loans, and a little help from the family. I think living away from home while at school has helped them become independent, self-reliant young adults.
But that doesn’t mean that they don’t come back for help now and again. And now my independent, self-reliant young man needed a Bible and an ax—and some assistance. (Warning: an actual Bible does get harmed during the filming of this project.) The idea behind the portrait he wanted to create of his partner was that this young woman, upon entering college, had challenged her adherence to a system of beliefs instilled by her parents, namely her Catholic upbringing, replacing it with a new way to identify herself represented by candy, cereal and cartoons. In short, rigid, conformist values (parents, home, religious upbringing) had been replaced by newfound freedom and self-indulgence (college, independence, discovery), which is not an unusual path for most college students.
Corey laid out his plan for this project to Henry and me. We listened to the message he wanted to convey and his ideas for making it happen. Props and feasibility were considered and we went from ax to table saw. The table saw would be staged like an altar, with the saw blade emerging from beneath the table, rendering complete destruction of the Book. This scene was the most difficult of the project and required the most preparation and a number of practice shots. The shot required three takes because the table saw jammed. But the final result worked--perfectly.
Destroying a Bible certainly has the potential to create controversy. I was not without raising an eyebrow when Corey described this project to me. But as an artist making a statement about his subject, anything is valid. In art, validity is often questioned, but if the result provokes thought, emotion and even better, a conversation, then I believe the piece is authentic.
Corey went on to stage and film the other two shots, edited it all together, scored and recorded the audio and by Sunday evening, a finished video, ready for the Tuesday deadline.
I called Corey Tuesday night to see how the critique went. His partner, the subject of the video portrait, loved it. The class debated its merits for forty minutes—far more time that is usually allowed, with the general consensus positive. Finally, the professor, previously known as Jackass, called it a success.
I like the fact that both my kids have sought my opinion and advice on various projects throughout college, (not that I could lend much expertise on most of Calvin’s subjects). Collaborating with Corey is more in my realm—although sometimes I can get a little too carried away playing art director. Henry jumped into this project full throttle. As he said, guys tearing up stuff—it just doesn’t get any better.
Henry and I can describe having four kids go through college all at about the same time in four words—“never a dull moment”. When the phone rings, we find ourselves going from “talking someone down off a ledge” to “sharing in the joy of success”. College life for the mom today is anything but “non-descript”. I am no longer the star, but I sure am glad that I have a supporting role.
When I look back on my college years, I think of them as being pretty non-descript. University of Maryland was affordable and only five miles from our house so my choice of a college was pretty narrow. I also had to pay for my college education. I didn’t have enough money to live on campus and because we lived so close, it really didn’t make sense. So, I was a commuter student.
In order to pay for college and my car, I worked part-time in the evenings and on weekends. At the time, I did what I had to do, but I think I missed a lot by not living on campus. School was almost like having another job. Show up daily, work, then leave. As far as being busy academically, my life wasn’t too different from most college kids. But it is hard to become part of the social community when you are not fully immersed. Living at home did have some perks. Besides saving money, I had delicious home-cooked meals every day and my laundry seemed to get magically washed and dried. But I think being “on my own” during those years would have been a real confidence booster and better preparation for the real world.
I’m glad my kids had the opportunity to live on campus. But then, they both attended colleges that were far enough away where they had to. And even though they both have had to pay their way, it’s been manageable with savings, scholarships, loans, and a little help from the family. I think living away from home while at school has helped them become independent, self-reliant young adults.
But that doesn’t mean that they don’t come back for help now and again. And now my independent, self-reliant young man needed a Bible and an ax—and some assistance. (Warning: an actual Bible does get harmed during the filming of this project.) The idea behind the portrait he wanted to create of his partner was that this young woman, upon entering college, had challenged her adherence to a system of beliefs instilled by her parents, namely her Catholic upbringing, replacing it with a new way to identify herself represented by candy, cereal and cartoons. In short, rigid, conformist values (parents, home, religious upbringing) had been replaced by newfound freedom and self-indulgence (college, independence, discovery), which is not an unusual path for most college students.
Corey laid out his plan for this project to Henry and me. We listened to the message he wanted to convey and his ideas for making it happen. Props and feasibility were considered and we went from ax to table saw. The table saw would be staged like an altar, with the saw blade emerging from beneath the table, rendering complete destruction of the Book. This scene was the most difficult of the project and required the most preparation and a number of practice shots. The shot required three takes because the table saw jammed. But the final result worked--perfectly.
Destroying a Bible certainly has the potential to create controversy. I was not without raising an eyebrow when Corey described this project to me. But as an artist making a statement about his subject, anything is valid. In art, validity is often questioned, but if the result provokes thought, emotion and even better, a conversation, then I believe the piece is authentic.
Corey went on to stage and film the other two shots, edited it all together, scored and recorded the audio and by Sunday evening, a finished video, ready for the Tuesday deadline.
I called Corey Tuesday night to see how the critique went. His partner, the subject of the video portrait, loved it. The class debated its merits for forty minutes—far more time that is usually allowed, with the general consensus positive. Finally, the professor, previously known as Jackass, called it a success.
I like the fact that both my kids have sought my opinion and advice on various projects throughout college, (not that I could lend much expertise on most of Calvin’s subjects). Collaborating with Corey is more in my realm—although sometimes I can get a little too carried away playing art director. Henry jumped into this project full throttle. As he said, guys tearing up stuff—it just doesn’t get any better.
Henry and I can describe having four kids go through college all at about the same time in four words—“never a dull moment”. When the phone rings, we find ourselves going from “talking someone down off a ledge” to “sharing in the joy of success”. College life for the mom today is anything but “non-descript”. I am no longer the star, but I sure am glad that I have a supporting role.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Perfect Thanksgiving: Turkey, a Haircut, Rube Goldberg and a Jackass
When I was a child, my grandmother owned Thanksgiving and it was delightfully predictable every year. Turkey with all the trimmings. Football on TV. Kids ate in the kitchen until we eventually graduated to the dining room. And there was the traditional penny ante poker game after dinner. All I had to do was show up.
My grandmother passed and my mother took over for a couple years before my parents moved to Florida. By now, she was a grandmother and dished up the comfort of tradition just like her mother-in-law. All I had to do was show up, with the kids of course.
Then Thanksgiving changed. My parents moved. My ex left. It was too expensive to travel to Florida for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we reserved the traveling for Christmas. The kids and I were alone for a number of years and it was a time for new traditions. Of course, the turkey with all the trimmings was a must, even though it was just the three of us. We would watch the parade on TV, take a walk and play Monopoly. And at dinner, each of us would take a turn to say what we were most thankful for.
When Henry entered my life in 2002, Thanksgiving began to evolve a bit. The turkey dinner has stayed the same, but the guests over the years have included Kimberly and Angela, Henry’s mom Agnes and my family. Last year, for the first time, we traveled to North Carolina for Thanksgiving.
This year, Agnes came for a visit and Henry’s girls were on the scene Wednesday for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner. Corey was home from college as well so we had four at the Thanksgiving table this year. Calvin and Vicki were on their own in Seattle, both having their first Thanksgiving away from home.
While home from school on Thanksgiving break, Corey had a final video project to work on. The assignment was to create a video self-portrait. His idea was to film me giving him a haircut while the camera rotated in a circle around us offering a 360-degree perspective. Special effects and audio would complete the story he wished to tell. This project had two particularly challenging elements: it had to be a one-take shot and we had to build some kind of track or device that would allow the camera to circle slowly and steadily around us.
This is where the super hero engineering geniuses in the family dashed onto the scene to create one of the most jerry-rigged Rube Goldberg contraptions ever invented to hold a camera and rotate it in a circle. Translation: Corey, Henry and I converted a rotating Christmas tree stand, 1x2 wood board, bread basket, three Progresso soup cans, two 3-lb. dumbbells, a tripod bracket, wire, plastic cable ties and one video camera into a device that attached to the basement ceiling. With the camera mounted on one end of the board that was attached to the tree stand, a simple flip of the switch turned on the motor allowing the camera to slowly revolve in a circle around center stage, barber mom giving son a haircut. The result had the sophistication of Hollywood. A smooth, clear, perfect shot. One take. Done.
On to audio. Corey recorded me reflecting on past incidents in his life. His plan was to take snippets of these reflections, with some of his own, plus sound effects and music to create the finished portrait.
A work in progress review was scheduled for Tuesday. Enter Professor Jackass. After reviewing only four videos, he determined that no one had “grasped” the assignment and even though he did have positive comments about the work presented, he totally scrapped the project and assigned a new final project with less than a week to complete.
A self-portrait is one of the most personal undertakings of an artist. No matter what medium is used, a subjective portrayal of one’s self should be expressed without judgment. Skill, craftsmanship and creativity can all be evaluated. If a student did not complete the assignment or obviously did not take it seriously, then the professor can rightfully reason that the student has failed. This time, I think the professor failed.
I’ve often taught my kids that process is often more important than product. That’s where all the learning takes place. I guess we can chalk this project up to a great learning experience, especially if we are ever in a room with nothing to do and find a rotating Christmas tree stand, a video camera, a board, some wire, a bread basket, a tripod bracket, soup cans and dumbbells…just no jackasses please.
My grandmother passed and my mother took over for a couple years before my parents moved to Florida. By now, she was a grandmother and dished up the comfort of tradition just like her mother-in-law. All I had to do was show up, with the kids of course.
Then Thanksgiving changed. My parents moved. My ex left. It was too expensive to travel to Florida for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we reserved the traveling for Christmas. The kids and I were alone for a number of years and it was a time for new traditions. Of course, the turkey with all the trimmings was a must, even though it was just the three of us. We would watch the parade on TV, take a walk and play Monopoly. And at dinner, each of us would take a turn to say what we were most thankful for.
When Henry entered my life in 2002, Thanksgiving began to evolve a bit. The turkey dinner has stayed the same, but the guests over the years have included Kimberly and Angela, Henry’s mom Agnes and my family. Last year, for the first time, we traveled to North Carolina for Thanksgiving.
This year, Agnes came for a visit and Henry’s girls were on the scene Wednesday for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner. Corey was home from college as well so we had four at the Thanksgiving table this year. Calvin and Vicki were on their own in Seattle, both having their first Thanksgiving away from home.
While home from school on Thanksgiving break, Corey had a final video project to work on. The assignment was to create a video self-portrait. His idea was to film me giving him a haircut while the camera rotated in a circle around us offering a 360-degree perspective. Special effects and audio would complete the story he wished to tell. This project had two particularly challenging elements: it had to be a one-take shot and we had to build some kind of track or device that would allow the camera to circle slowly and steadily around us.
This is where the super hero engineering geniuses in the family dashed onto the scene to create one of the most jerry-rigged Rube Goldberg contraptions ever invented to hold a camera and rotate it in a circle. Translation: Corey, Henry and I converted a rotating Christmas tree stand, 1x2 wood board, bread basket, three Progresso soup cans, two 3-lb. dumbbells, a tripod bracket, wire, plastic cable ties and one video camera into a device that attached to the basement ceiling. With the camera mounted on one end of the board that was attached to the tree stand, a simple flip of the switch turned on the motor allowing the camera to slowly revolve in a circle around center stage, barber mom giving son a haircut. The result had the sophistication of Hollywood. A smooth, clear, perfect shot. One take. Done.
On to audio. Corey recorded me reflecting on past incidents in his life. His plan was to take snippets of these reflections, with some of his own, plus sound effects and music to create the finished portrait.
A work in progress review was scheduled for Tuesday. Enter Professor Jackass. After reviewing only four videos, he determined that no one had “grasped” the assignment and even though he did have positive comments about the work presented, he totally scrapped the project and assigned a new final project with less than a week to complete.
A self-portrait is one of the most personal undertakings of an artist. No matter what medium is used, a subjective portrayal of one’s self should be expressed without judgment. Skill, craftsmanship and creativity can all be evaluated. If a student did not complete the assignment or obviously did not take it seriously, then the professor can rightfully reason that the student has failed. This time, I think the professor failed.
I’ve often taught my kids that process is often more important than product. That’s where all the learning takes place. I guess we can chalk this project up to a great learning experience, especially if we are ever in a room with nothing to do and find a rotating Christmas tree stand, a video camera, a board, some wire, a bread basket, a tripod bracket, soup cans and dumbbells…just no jackasses please.
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